Journal Entry #1

Looked for, it cannot be seen. It is invisible.
Listened for, it cannot be heard. It is inaudible.
Reached for, it cannot be touched. It is intangible.

It rises like the sun, but does not illuminate
It sets like the sun, but does not darken
Without beginning, without end.
Infinite. Indefinable.
It is the form of the formless.
It is existence in non-existence.
It is the greatest mystery.

Ram Dass

All of this started because I wanted to better understand MY existence. Who am I? What am I? What makes me ‘I’? I know see that all of those questions come from a place of ego, because the answer is somewhat simple: ‘I’ am a fragment of God, a drop of water in the ocean of the infinite. I have be born and reborn into this spacesuit of living on the physical plane, and will continue to be reborn until I become self-realized. Until I work through my karma. Until I get to know, or re-know, God.

I am 55. I have spent 35+ years skirting the big questions while standing on the sidelines, Monday-morning quarterbacking the journeys of other, the experience of others without opening myself up to the experiences myself.

I – like all of us – am flawed and egotistical. I want to cry for forgiveness from the divine for my mistakes. But here’s the thing – the infinite doesn’t forgive because the infinite doesn’t judge. I thinking ‘judging’ is a uniquely human capacity. No one – no thing – is out there casting angry glances upon my actions. God, the Father, the Divine Mother, the infinite, friend, beloved – whatever words you want to use – is simply there waiting for us to acknowledge and approach.

It took me a long time to realize that.

If I am bold enough, across these posts I will detail my journey, warts and all – and there’s a lot of warts. I do it not – as some of you might easily think – to get attention. Or because I think I am a teacher, a guru, a whatever. I do it because I want to get it out of my system – literally and emotionally.

Also, I know – after 30 years in technology – that no one will read this. It is ‘safe’ here, until it is discovered or needed, if that day ever comes.

The Plan

I am hoping to just stream out my memories here. I will try to do so chronologically (or chrono-illogically) but I will go where the thought takes me. I first had curiosity about religion and spirituality back when I was 6 years old. And now, 49 years later, the same thoughts still float through my mind.

Along the way I have read, attended, dabbled and cajoled. If I sit quietly I can see how these events and attitudes point to a kind of meta-map of my beliefs and my journey. A meta-map to my spiritual path.

This is enough of an introduction (introductions are usually best written last). So next will be me delving into my earliest memories.